It’s been a while since I wrote anything, this lent has rushed by at quite a pace, possibly because I have had so many funerals to arrange along with the visits and preparation they require. Don’t get me wrong I am not grumbling, I see funerals as a vital and vibrant part of ministry, it puts me in touch with people who are wanting and needing something to turn to. The funerals have been a mix of good memories and life celebrations those where the question “why” hangs thickly in the air, that is a question I have no answer for, so I hold a space of hope, it is all I can do. Hearing the stories others, of lives well lived, of challenges faced and overcome, and of loves won and lost is inspiring and thought provoking. I am thankful not to have come across a perfect person yet, but they were all loved, and that is so telling.

We are all loved, even when we struggle to see it, and we are all valued and valuable, I must admit when I visit families mourning their loved ones I do sometimes wonder what people will say about me, will there be a big turn out, or a small one, how will be remembered, it is at times like that when I begin to doubt myself, maybe we all do. Imposter syndrome is a something I struggle with, having had my calling to ordination questioned, not by the committee tasked with testing my call, they passed me with an 100% vote, but by others who had an axe to grind, I do sometimes wonder if they were right. I guess that is not a bad thing! But too much questioning can lead you down a hole that is unhelpful.

Yesterday I received a call asking if it was okay to use one of my poems for a Holy Week Service, of course it is, all I ask for is that credit is given, but as usual brush it off, why on earth would anyone want to use my poetry. I write a lot, I also paint a lot, and I both want to offer these gifts and to dismiss them, I think at lies beneath that is a fear of rejection, maybe declaring that I have nothing much to offer is my way of shielding myself.

What complex creatures are! We long for love and hide from it, we crave acceptance and shun it, it takes courage to step out and offer what we are and who we are especially when we have been hurt. As someone who is always encouraging people to see themselves as God sees them, fearfully and wonderfully made, known, accepted and loved, I need to turn my preaching upon myself, and hope that it will slowly sink in.

( Image- masks- my work)