I am not fine….

Giver of Life,

I am struggling at the moment,

struggling with confidence,

struggling with any form of self belief,

struggling with being me,

I want to be strong,

but I am not strong,

I don’t want to be vulnerable,

but I am vulnerable,

right now I want to climb back into bed,

to pull the covers over my head,

and let days pass by…

+

if people ask me how I am,

I am likely to say I’m fine,

but I am not…

I had hoped for better days,

but the weight of bearing

disappointments,

and living with my disillusionment

feels too heavy….

don’t get me wrong,

I don’t want you to end,

I just want to stop,

to rest, to weep, to grieve,

to hurl stones into the sea,

to rage, yes to rage, and scream,

then rest some more…

I have been trying to be fine for too long,

and the trying has worn me down…

+

So I will say it,

I am not fine,

and though I have beaches to walk,

and a home, and food and warmth,

and family, and cats,

I am not fine…

there will be those who don’t understand,

but that is not my problem,

my problem has been trying, and trying and trying,

to keep up the appearances of being fine….

so I’ll say it again..

I am not fine, not okay, not all together, not whole…

so these burdens I bring, and ask

will you give me rest?

will you?

+

your words echo in my mind,

come,

I will give you rest….

About Sally C

How do I describe myself, I am not what I do, (I am a Methodist Minister), I am not who I am related to (I have 5 wonderful children, 2 lovely granddaughters and a grandson). I am a seeker truth, a partaker of life in all it's fullness and a follower, sometimes stumbling, sometimes celebrating of the Christian pathway. I seek wholeness, joy and a connectedness to all things through a deep reconciliation with the God whose love blows my socks off!
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