I received a message yesterday, it said this, well I see you smiling and leading prayers online, so you must be better! Better, well I haven’t had a cold, that is now over, I have had a long period of mental turmoil and ill health that has been a real struggle, and leading prayers are a part of my recovery. So I might be smiling on screen, and I may make jokes, but smiles and jokes are often used to deflect pain and honesty. Think of Robin Williams, who took his own life, he was known to struggle with depression. So, am I better, no, but I am beginning to recover….
Some days, and this is one of them I only need to look around the kitchen to be overwhelmed by the fact that the dishwasher needs, emptying, and the freezer needs defrosting, and then the living room where carpets need vacuuming, that may well be why I hide in my study, blogging. Procrastination is an art form I can excel at!
I have defrosted the freezer, the rest can wait.
A conversation with someone last week about returning to work, when I have so little time left here in Sheffield centered on whether I feel I have let people down, I do, and whether they feel I have let them down, I am sure some do, but dwelling on that won’t help me. I can only offer what I have to offer, and slipping on a mask and smiling and making jokes can only be done for so long, I said as much in my prayers yesterday, admitting that I was covering stuff up….
I swing between feeling energised, going out for walks etc, to being stuck, which is basically where I am now, getting out for a walk feels too big, even though I could just pop my boots on and walk the footway behind my house, tomorrow may well be a different story, who knows.
So I reflect that I am better than I was, but I am not back to normal, whatever that might be, no magic switch has been flipped, If I had a bad break in a leg or arm physiotherapy would be needed to get it working again, maybe I need physio for my mind, and maybe that could include walking, some might say should. But, I have been sleeping well, and eating well, and getting out in the garden. Who knows, I might go down stairs and empty the dishwasher, better get dressed first!