Yesterday I was feeling really upbeat, I had managed to walk every day, I was enjoying the sunshine, and felt like I was making good progress. The truth is I was, I am, but a couple of things have set me off worrying, the first is a missed phone call, the second the pressure I am feeling to be well, I need to give apologies for another meeting on health grounds, this of course is entirely valid. Today I am once again facing my vulnerability.
I cannot make myself well, I simply need to do all of the things that will bring about healing, walking, keeping my journal, accessing the therapy that has been offered to me, and taking the prescribed medication. The truth is that this week has been good, but today I am tired, so while I have done some laundry ( no longer a chore), changed my bed sheets, and emptied the dishwasher, and done my daily Qi-Gong routine, I am not going to push myself to do more. If I do feel like a walk later than I will go for a walk, if not I can sit in the sunshine in the garden, and maybe read a book.
As I write this, I am aware that I have fallen prey to the deadly tendency to compare myself with others, those who are out and about and doing things, those celebrating aspects of ministry that I am not participating in at this time. I have friends who are running marathons and taking part in endurance activities, those who swim every day and those who are rejoicing in new appointments. I have friends who are writing, and having their work published, those who have and are achieving amazing things. But of course I also have friends who like me struggle with anxiety and depression, friends who are facing major health issues, and friends who are bereaved. Comparison is a real poison, and social media can feed the monster, I have a love hate relationship with it.
That love hate relationship leads me to Jesus words to Peter following the resurrection, having reinstated Peter, Jesus calls him to follow once again, but Peter is looking over his shoulder:
Turning his head, Peter noticed the disciple Jesus loved following right behind. When Peter noticed him, he asked Jesus, “Master, what’s going to happen to him?”
Jesus said, “If I want him to live until I come again, what’s that to you? You—follow me.” (John 21: 21-23)
What’s that to you? Why do you need to know what’s going on with him/ what’s going to happen to him, that is not your concern, concentrate on your life and your call, make following me your focus!
I am reminded of a very helpful response from a Supernumerary Minister when I asked directions to an outer flung corner of our Circuit when I was in my first appointment, he helpfully responded, ” well I wouldn’t start from here”! Of course I had no choice about where I was starting from, I had to start from “here” because “here” is where I was. Today of course, here is where I am, and while I am much better than I was six week ago I am not well yet, but I can celebrate, because today I did do the laundry, today I did make my bed, today I did empty the dishwasher, and none of that was overwhelming. I may well go for a walk, but I am not going to run a marathon, let’s be fair I have never run a marathon, nor am I going to swim a mile, but I hope to get back to doing that. I am where I am, and it is where I am that God meets me, it is from where I am that Jesus calls me, and it is from where I am that the Spirit gives me life. Today that is enough for me!
I have to remind myself, that yesterday I climed a hill, just to check out the view from the top!