I’ve just been asked if I am better yet, the question was loaded, or at least it felt loaded, but then I am still not in a place where I can take things at face value. I have been out walking, I have met up with a couple of friends, I am even getting better at keeping up with housework, and have done a bit of gardening. I have made soup and cooked dinners, My concentration is better, I am able to read a bit. But I feel flat, and I feel pressured by the suggestion that I might be better.
I do think I am on the way to being able to function more normally, to think more clearly, and yes I am engaging with the news ( see my last post). But, as for being better, I would have to say no I am not, I am looking out of my window as I write this, and the sun is shining, it is a lovely warm spring day, perfect for walking, but I know it is going to take a huge amount of energy to get out of the front door today, and that I might not manage that. It sounds ridiculous even as I write it, but that is the truth, I can see the wind in the blossoms, but the temptation to retreat under a blanket and into the forgetfulness of sleep is so seductive.
I probably will walk, mostly because I know deep down that I really will benefit from it, and it will probably be pleasurable when I do, but today it is hard work, and that may be because seeing friends and getting out over previous days, while good, has actually taken it out of me. I scan my body for signs of tension , as I write this my right leg is jittery, it is a sign of anxiety, of dis-ease, though I could not 100% tell you where it is coming from.
My prayers these days are often wordless, I ground myself with a daily Chi-Gong routine, and even with my daily shower, I have been listening to the Pray as You Go App, because it is easier than concentrating on Bible passages, and my lent reading only demands 2 or 3 pages per day. I loose myself in home DIY programmes, don’t ask me the draw of them, I think it is partially numbing.
I know that God is with me, even in this pit, this wilderness, and I am content to simply allow that awareness to be. I am not better, I am not up to doing yet, so I try to find the stillness of knowing. I am thankful for the many people who have offered me space away, believe me I appreciate it, and once I do have the energy to make a plan to come and visit you I will, but right now it would all be too much.
I am not better, we expect a broken leg or arm to take time, we expect healing following an operation to take time, we expect people to recover slowly from a debilitating illness, depression is no different, my heart soul and mind need time to heal, time to be. For now, I will continue to take my meds, to engage with the CBT programme and my counsellor, to talk to my Spiritual Director, and to take things one step at a time, and I know, that one day all will be well again. Best of all is God is with us.