I have just been in a Zoom meeting, it ended and my house is silent ….

Silent again!

I am left trying to process my sense of utter disconnection having been connected for just over an hour, and then with the press of a button by somebody else everyone disappeared and silence enfolded me. I am left with a sense of grief, and what I can only describe as abandonment. I cannot walk or drive away from the meeting with anyone else, I am home and suddenly alone.

Zoom meetings can be very intense, there is business to be done and we get through it and then we leave, there is virtually no small talk, and even as an introvert I really miss that, simple things like how are you doing have taken on an intensity they may not have had before, and as we reflected in our meeting today it is hard to pick up body language cues, and being aware of my own face in a conversation is still bizarre!

Having said all that I said above, I know that some people use Zoom and other video conferencing tools for connecting with friends and family, I do myself , but once again while those meetings can be lighter there comes with those for me an even greater sense of disconnection, because once again when the chats are over I am returned to the silence of my home, and I haven’t been able to give the ones I love a hug, and again there is an abruptness as the button is pressed and the conversation ends.

So, I find myself needing to construct some strategies to cope with all of this, a plan to go out for a walk at the end of a meeting where I might just bump, in a socially distanced way, into someone, a plan to get out into my garden, something, anything, that will move me out of the silent space I find myself in, which is interesting because I am someone who appreciates silence and uses silent meditation as a part of my daily prayer time.

Having said that today I find that I need to record what is going on for me and in me, and where I might find God in the bereftness of this, acknowledging that sometimes going out for a walk seems to much, and the thought of getting back to actual meetings also produces its own anxiety. I weigh that all alongside that I have not touched or been touched by another person for weeks now and I am beginning to feel that, and while I am thankful for my cats, they are lovely, but they are not human beings.

Then my phone rings, and I hope that it will just be someone calling for a chat, and not bad news… we probably all go there these days…

I try to limit my tendency to overuse Social Media, recognising that it can be addictive in an unhealthy way, but also that it does provide a level of connection…

One thing I do know is that I am not alone in this, there are others who are living alone who are probably going through similar things, and experiencing the sudden silence as something deeply challenging. I also know that I keep encouraging others that they are not alone because God is with them, and Jesus promised never to leave of forsake us, that the Holy Spirit is ever present, right now though I could do with a God with skin on right now! Let’s face it we believe in an enfleshed God, Jesus revealing to his early followers who and how God is in the touchable newborn baby, to the one who stood in a locked room and invited Thomas to place his hands on the scars he bore for us all.

Of course shortly after that Jesus ascended to heaven and was no longer physically present, telling the disciples to wait watch and pray, and so they gathered to do so. While I cannot gather with anyone, for that is too risky, I can watch, wait and pray, and I can pray with others…

So I conclude that all I can do is give myself to this time and to try to seek the gifts it offers to me, and not to deny that some of those gifts are somewhat difficult to receive, and the particularity of my aloneness is one of those…

And yet, I also have to acknowledge that I have many privileges, a warm comfortable home, plenty of food to eat and job security. I also have access to beautiful countryside for walking in and local shops that are well stocked. So, please don’t think I am moaning, I am simply trying to record how I am, today, I might feel completely differently tomorrow.