Sunday, no dog collar, no church, no leading worship for me, instead I wrote a pastoral letter and shared some thoughts, there are so many resources out there, and for some the act of putting a service together via a and streaming it works, but I confess that it doesn’t work for me. So I am thanking those who have that gift, and weirdly I have dropped in to many acts of worship today via facebook, so thanks to those who have enabled this…

Thanks to some lovely members thanking me, I am feeling okay about what I did, but must admit that I am still trying not to feel guilty that I didn’t “lead a service”, I was also surprised by a wonderful message asking me to share a thought a day, which I find humbling and encouraging, but this is not about me, it is about us…

So, I got to thinking about what makes us church, I have talked to people, and in doing so discovered that they have been talking to one another, of course they have, they have also been checking on their neighbours when they can. They have been worshipping, some watching live streams, some watching Songs of Praise, some doing their own thing, all of those are good, and of course we are praying. Tonight with others I will light a candle at 7pm as a prayer, a sign of hope, and longing. A fragile flame, glowing in the dark, and yet a flame that pushes away the darkness…

A flame that pushes away the darkness, I know that I need that at the moment, for one thing I have noticed today is my sense of aloneness and my vulnerability and yet oddly I have had many significant conversations, so what is going on?

First these are extraordinary times, this is not easy, I watched people today walking in family groups, I don’t have a family group to walk with, but I am not alone in that, so I am wondering how we support one another through these days, phone calls facetime, skype, a wave over the garden fence. But I will keep my distance, for you and for me.

I also noticed my anxiety today, and decided to let it be what it is, I am worried about my family, I won’t see them for at least 3 months maybe more, statistically it seems at least one of us won’t be there on the other side, sorry to be bleak, but I need to voice my fears in order to face them.

I went for a walk this afternoon, just needed to get out to stop myself from embodying the crazy cat lady persona completely, but even that set off my anxiety, I drove to a local spot, usually not much frequented, it was full of cars and people, so I drove away, I finally found a footpath with nobody else around, but then noticed my anxiety at having nobody to nod to, to smile at, to share with…

The truth is I don’t do completely alone very well, and I live alone, and all of this physical distancing is challenging, but so, so necessary, so I am doing it…

Psalm 139 reminds me that even in the depths God is there, noticing and knowing my innermost thoughts, so I offer them….

The Samaritan Woman (John 4) went alone to the well, and encountered Jesus there, so I look for him…

The Spirit of God hovered over the chaos of creation and so I pray, make a Genesis day from the chaos of my life, my anxieties and my thoughts, help me to remember that I am known and loved, that I am connected to the true vine through which all life flows…

So I want to say that if you have noticed anxiety in adjusting to this new reality, that is okay, if you are wondering how to cope that is okay, if you feel alone, and are alone, I want to say God is with you, I am with you, but it may not feel like it, and that is okay…

Be who you are, dare to love yourself,notice how you are feeling and own that feeling, it is valid!

I love you, I cannot hug or hold you, or share a handshake or a coffee at close proximity, but we are still here! I hope we will still be here, be safe people, and wash your hands x