My dear soul,
you simply can’t do it all, nor can you be all things to all people, you are allowed to be exhausted, and to be honest you have had a lot on your plate. So take a break, rest and stop pushing yourself, it is okay sometimes not to be okay, and to let others care for you and bear the load.
Let’s be honest, you know that you can make some pretty poor decisions when you are low and stressed, and when you aren’t vigilant you can and have opted for some pretty shit coping mechanisms too. So time to stop, stop and breathe, take stock, put the burden down. Time to allow yourself to just be loved by those who love you, to be loved by God, who by the way needs nothing from you ( she really isn’t into performances), it is okay that you haven’t taken services, it is okay that you are not up to visiting, it just is okay!
Maybe what you need is a reminder of the vulnerability of the story you would be telling, of the uncertainties that lie within it, of the doubts and fears that were expressed as well as the wonder. There was no tinsel in Bethlehem that night, no twinkling lights, no cosy staged scenes. The shepherds were outcasts, visited by angels who had to tell them not to be afraid, angels tell a lot of people not to be afraid, it tends to be how they introduce themselves, pretty scary things angels!
The there are the Magi, strange characters, we have no real idea how many of them there were, though we are told about their gifts, strange gifts for a baby, but full of symbolism, though not such strange gifts for a king, a king born in such a strange place, a king, if he was a king who stirred up political turmoil right from the announcement of his arrival. Slaughter followed as a tyrant sought to remain a tyrant!
This is a strange story to tell to children, even though it is shot through with hope, with prophecy, promise and awe, give yourself a break, things have got you down, so don’t be afraid of just saying how things are for you at the moment, it’s okay because you are not okay. Maybe in just admitting how things are you will find the hope that lurks in the deep, where when you settle on the far side of where you feel you ought to be still love will find you, and her thoughts are towards you, she is not against you, so lean into her, and trust that there is nothing you can do, and nowhere you can go that will separate you from her…. and maybe, that is actually what the story is all about.
Be loved, for you are loved by the beloved.