today I encountered grief, I climbed up to Curbar Edge and allowed myself to weep, it felt ridiculous, but necessary, and honest, and I would rather not have gone there, but…

I met with my alone-ness as I drove past my children’s cars parked just 15 minutes from my door, knowing they were on a weekend away with my ex and his family, celebrating his mums 80th, remembering that my mum died 10 years ago in a different and grief filled time…

I was on my way to meet friends elsewhere in the Peak District, which is on my doorstep, and the feeling of being invaded might be silly, but felt real, none of them live here, this is my place and space! Well not mine, but it is where I am at home, and my home has been invaded and left me feeling insecure, I need to own that

I wept for what had been, for what might have been, for what couldn’t be, for what I both wanted and don’t want any longer…

I don’t want to go back to the past and reclaim old dreams, but today that bit deep, it may have been easier for it to have meant nothing, but that would have denied my living, life and loving, all of which have been real.

I reflect that we need to own our reality, and vulnerability, need to be real, honest, and to own our pasts, my past, and my new future contains my 5 children, my relationship with them today is different from the future I had imagined, and I have to accept that. It is broken, and I have to accept that. It is wounded, and I have to accept that, it will never be the same, and I have to accept that….

In that I need to look for the gifts of woundedness and vulnerability, and that is hard, today that has come to my doorstep and hit me unexpectedly…

Life is unexpected, but today I wept…

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