I wrote a post yesterday trying to deal with what I want to say, but it quite frankly ended up in being a non-poetic attempt at reflecting without really saying what I wanted to say. I have been on sabbatical from ministry for the last 2 months, and have so much to reflect upon. I have reflected upon life and ministry, upon the things that have made me who I am…

I have to admit that the overriding factor has been shame…

I have been ashamed, ashamed of who I am, of who I have been, it has been a deeply ingrained fact of life, I remember shame as a child for being overweight, photos tell another story, I remember keenly shame at producing a weird collection of bits of plants instead of a flower arrangement expected by my mum, a trained florist…

I remember not being able to run, though I could swim…

I remember not having the right clothes…

Not living in the right place….

Not being who I thought I should be…

Shame…

I remember confusion as I grew up and confused sex with love….

I remember allowing my body to be used in ways that my mind screamed against because I did not know how to say no…

Shame…

I remember teenage pregnancy, trying to build a life, hiding my insecurities, hiding my desires, my real feelings…

Shame….

I am not ashamed of my children, of their accomplishments, of the sacrifices they and I have made, but I do remember the shame of poverty, of not fitting in, of not being all that I and others expected of me…

Shame…

Shame is powerful…

Shame seeps into our bones, our minds, our lives and living, it dehumanises us, it demands a say on who and how we are…

Too fat,

Too tall,

Too opinionated,

Too much…

Shame speaks deeply…

I have felt shame, but I am choosing not to be ashamed, I am not ashamed of who I am, I understand my search for love born of disconnection, of feeling unwanted, misunderstood.

I understand how I struggled through a middle class culture, unable to fit in the way I felt I should, and yet I understand now, with hindsight how they accepted me despite the fact that I refused to accept myself….

I understand now that when my anticipated life collapsed into divorce and fractured reality that I was not wholly to blame, but also accept that my struggle with shame had affected me deeply….

Misinterpretation, misunderstanding, brokenness, hiding, hiddenness….

Masks …

Shame…

And yet I preach love, overwhelming love, love that transforms, love overcoming, love conquering…

Love,

Love that will not be be overcome…

Love will not be overcome I both know and don’t know this, I am loved

I am ashamed…

One will overcome the other, I know that love wins, but will I allow that?

Shame is powerful, but love will win…