Yesterday, and about a week before I had blogged about living with depression, what it means for me, and how it feels. I hope that I wasn’t being too self indulgent or too self-centered, and I apologise if I was, certainly one of my passions it that nobody should suffer in silence which is why I speak up. Depression is so often a silent illness, and yes it is an illness. or a condition in the same way that physical illnesses/ conditions are. Mental illnesses/ conditions come in a huge variety and never look the same, and everyone who has one copes with it differently.

As for me I am what is sometimes called a High Functioning Depressive, which means that I can get myself together enough to get through work commitments and other things, but that it comes at great cost, it leaves me exhausted! If I am faced with a lot of demands and more stress than usual then I can arrive at breaking point, which is where I find myself now, but because I have suffered before I am wise enough to see the symptoms and to act before I do actually break completely.

Today I cancelled a meeting, called my GP for an appointment and let people who need to know, know what is going on. It means that I have changed my weekend plans, and with that comes the guilt of letting others down, and I reflect that if I had sprained or broken my ankle and couldn’t drive that I wouldn’t feel guilty, but that saying to someone that I simply don’t have the emotional energy to make the trip today sounds weak and foolish, or even shameful. but that is where I am. To admit my weakness feels both empowering and disempowering at the same time, I would like people to think that I am strong, but right now I am not, and yet there is a strength in simply saying “I can’t” out loud.

I am really thankful for those who have commented on my posts or sent me private messages of support, for those who have offered prayers, and coffee, and walks…. Please keep asking me because one day I will say yes!

I know that not everyone understands, and there is nothing that I can do to make you understand, I cannot explain to you how the chemicals in my brain are not functioning as they should right now and that I need rest to get that back into balance, I can’t tell you why I am unable to do the things I really want to do, and while it seems to you that something might be good for me to do that I simply don’t have the energy to do it. Please just bear with me, with the right rest, and possibly some medication I will pull through this.

It helps me to write, it may seem selfish, and maybe it is, but of course you are not obliged to read this! What I hope for as I write and as I pray out my truth is that I am honest, and that somehow offering myself just as I am that I will find strength in prayer, and treasures in the darkness, those who have offered support are among those treasures. More than that however, so is my absolute conviction that I am not abandoned even though I don’t sense the presence of God, I do not share in the agony of Christ and those gut wrenching words ” my God, my God why have you forsaken me”, perhaps because he suffered such torment I don’t, and yet I know others who have and have found that in the cry of absolute despair that suddenly they are held, for even in the deepest cry faith is alive or there would be no cry, maybe that is where my conviction comes from.

The parable for this Sunday is from Matthew 13, the weeds in the wheat, those weeds were allowed to grow with the wheat until harvest time, and at that point they were separated and the weeds burned, it strikes me that right now I am unable to separate out my thoughts, which can at one moment be light and  positive and the next dark and negative, but must be content to offer them all up in prayer, as they come. I guess the truth is that there will be wheat and weeds in all of our lives, and either can seem dominant at any one time. The odd thing is that maybe in some senses the weeds make the wheat more beautiful, they certainly add another dimension.

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I leave you with the lyrics of Paul Field’s Go Peaceful: ( link to the video)

Go peaceful
In gentleness
Through the violence of these days
Give freely
Show tenderness
In all your ways

Through darkness
In troubled times
Let holiness be your aim
Seek wisdom
Let faithfulness
Burn like a flame

God speed you
God lead you
And keep you wrapped around his heart
May you be known by love

Be righteous
Speak truthfully
In a world of greed and lies
Show kindness
See everyone
Through heaven’s eyes

God hold you
Enfold you
And keep you wrapped around his heart
May you be known by love

God speed you
God lead you
And keep you wrapped around his heart

May you be known by love
May you be known by love