Today is a bad day, I wish I could tell you why, why I woke at 5am, with voices and accusations of the past echoing around my head, and why the lists of ought-to-do’s loom large in my mind. I got up and made tea, did a few things and then went back to bed, hoping to sleep for a couple of hours. Four hours later I force myself out of bed, and cancel a couple of appointments. If they had been essential I would have gone, I would as I do over and over again, have found the energy to go. Maybe I should just give in, allow the blackness to overtake me and stop. Maybe….
I had intended to swim today, and yesterday, but events meant that I have done neither of these, and while I may have had the energy yesterday I certainly don’t have it today. Tomorrow I have a meeting, I have no idea of I will make it, the temptation to send an apology now is great, but tomorrow is another day and I may have energy tomorrow.
It has been raining all morning, but the forecast for this afternoon is brighter, I would like to go out for a walk, a walk would do me good, I could take my camera and allow myself to become absorbed by the beauty around me, in this I find myself able to worship God when words leave me struggling, which is odd because I like words and I use words all the time!
I have lit a candle on my prayer table, it stands by a vase of flowers from the garden, sweet-peas in purples, pinks and whites, dotted with lavender and a single blue cornflower, beside them stands a miniature copy of Rublev’s Icon, the trinity beacon me to the table, I accept their invitation if only to lay my head upon the table and weep. Who or what my tears are for I am unsure, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just a deep sorrow, certainly conversations I have had and incidents I have witnessed play their part, as do other events…
But I have hope, I believe, firmly believe in the Divine Creator who holds the end from the beginning and will bring all things to a glorious completion, a new heaven and new earth where there will be no sickness, sorrow or pain ( Rev 21). I believe that, that transformation is going on even now, even in me on my dark days, and that if I give myself to the process as Jesus did, even struggling in the horror of Gethsemane, then I will see that transformation, in fact we all will whether we enter willingly into it or not, because the creator and re-creator is at work at all times, the powerful Spirit will not be stopped.
I have hope because even my darkness can be redeemed, not banished or cast out but fully incorporated and fully transformed into newness, nothing will be lost, where dross is burnt up, it will be for the refining of gold, and all will be well.
As I write the rain has stopped, and a streak of blue is showing in the sky where the clouds have parted, my stomach growls reminding me I have not eaten today, I will not ignore,it, I will gather myself up and finally get dressed. I will probably walk and hopefully meet friends later. This day might not be so bad after-all, but it has taken me time to get going, I have been busy, too busy maybe, there have been a number of stressful things to deal with this week, maybe all I needed was to give myself permission to say that, and to rest. The black-dog is at heel now, tomorrow is another day….